so many thoughts..so little time!!

surveys to the left, real writing to the right....

2006-02-01T11:50:00.000-05:00

just to let you people know ( the few of you that may actually look after this poorly attended blog), that the surveys and things are now on my xanga cause i feel that much more productive having the two somewhat functional blogging tools! here's xanga's addy: http://www.xanga.com/kovoor36

ok, catch you on the flipside;)

i have always been a sucker for peer pressure....

2005-11-11T12:15:00.000-05:00

i have noticed everyone doing this quiz and it does seem like a good one and since i have not had anything interesting going on to blog about lately, i figured this would be a good post!!

Basics

Name… Nina
people call you… neeners, neens, neen, ninapiscina, ninahyena, mookie, please for the love of God, no nee!!
Age... 26
Height… 5'8"
Hair color… reddish brownish
NATURAL hair color… black
Eye color... dark brown
Race... indian
Zodiac sign... capricorn
Heritage... indian/malayalee
School/Job... quality analyst at automotive company
Country…. united states of america
Glasses or Contacts… both, glasses are for everyday; contacts are for dressup;)
Where were u born… philadelphia, born and raised

Favorites

Color… blue
Food... thai, mom or dads homemade anything
Number.... 36 and 16
TV Show... lost, reunion, alot of reality junk
Cereal... frosted mini wheats, special k vanilla almond
Ice Cream... coffee, butter pecan and cookie dough
Movie... too many, anything sentimental or really funny
Band i listen to... everything
Song... currently, coldplay's warning sign
Subject in school.... spelling and geography
Word... what? (im partially deaf i think), kinda
Phrase... ohmigosh! yeah it is
Quote... i love alot of gandhi's sayings
Song lyrics... black and white by sarah maclachlan
Item of clothing.... sweats, pajamas and my adidas chappals
Place... anywhere in my house and snuggled next to my mother
Feeling... being loved and making others happy
Memory... i have so many good and bad.
Smell... toby's cologne and fresh flowers
Girl’s name.... anjali and priya
Guy’s name.... thomas and abram
Sport... basketball, football and field hockey
Sport’s player.... i dont have a favorite like that
Pro sports team... i'm from philly, so the eagles and the sixers

Family

Parents still together? yes, though there was a 7 yr break
Siblings.... my kochakutta, lisa
Pets... cosmo my pretty kitty and dakota, rip:(
You live with... michelle
Grandparents... my maternal ammachi is all i have left:(
Favorite aunts & uncles.... lucy aunty- mom's sis in law and oommen uncle-dads cousin in law/bff
Favorite cousins... the lil ones, jason, stacey, shawnie and janisha and betsy:)

Friends

Best friends... betsy, rajvi and lisa
Good friends... michelle, ashton, julie and trishla
Friends you see most out of school.... im not in school? umm, id say rajvi and michelle anyways
Friends you spend the most time with... rajvi, ashton, michelle and lisa
Friends you trust the most... betsy and rajvi
Friends you know the best... betsy, rajvi, ashton, michelle
Friends you’ve known the longest.... michelle and ashton (yay for old school neighborhood pals!)

Who is the ______ person you know?

Craziest… betsy
Loudest... ashton
Most trustworthy.... betsy and rajvi
Ditzy... hannah and rajvi (hehe, i love you both!)
Smartest... lisa, rachel and rajvi (its funny she is both ditzy and smartest!)
Prettiest... i think all my friends are beautiful, but if i have to choose, id say a lisa, ashton, michelle and hina
Funniest.. betsy
Most talented...rajvi
Most creative... raj again
Most mature... matt has defly proven this title
Hottest guy... im engaged, so my fiancee:)
Hottest girl... i think julie is on top of her stuff in fashion and beauty:)
Best to joke around with... betsy, everytime!
Best person for advice... any of my friends that will listen!
Person you tell everything... lisa and betsy
One you can’t stand..... hmmmm, i dont think im stupid enough to immortalize that fact in print, but im sure those people know who they are;)
Love... my family, my friends and my toby

Do you believe in love at first sight? i dont think so
Who was your first love? my mother
How long did your first relationship last? 3 years on and off.... ahhh high school:)
Who’s your current bf/gf? the tobster
How long have you been going out? may 15, 2003:)
Nicest thing a bf/gf has done for you? he gave me a ring and asked me to spend his life with him, i think that tops it all:)
Why are you with the person you’re with? because he's greatest person i have ever known and
though he can drive me crazy, he can always make me smile:)
How long do you think your relationship will last? (be honest) i'm banking alot of forever, so cross your fingers, light candles and pray for us!

This or That

Pepsi/Coke... pepsi!! it was my first word!!:D
Pink/purple... usually purple, though im trying to get more into pink
Blue/green... both!
English/Math... english
Sun/Moon... moon
Day/Night... nite
Roses/Tulips... daisies!
Baseball/Football... football
Cheerleading/Dance... umm, im not a big fan of either
Hot/Beautiful... beautiful
Tall/Short... tall!
Brother/Sister... i always wanted an older brother to protect me and beat up those who pissed me off, but im glad i have the sister i've got.

Random ?’s

Have you been in love? yes
How many people do you trust with your life? 4
How many people would you take a bullet for? 4
Do you want to get married? yes and soon!
Do you want kids? yes
What do you want to do when you grow up? become a stay at home soccer mom:)
What’s your biggest regret? i dont regret anything, everything teaches you something, even if it was painful.
Do you think you’re attractive? im alright
What are you wearing now? adidas track pants and long sleeve tshirt
What time is it? 12:07 pm

Last

Who was your last phone call? toby
What was the last song you listened to? an indian one from bend it like beckham
Who was your last dance? i was a lil inebriated at the wedding last weekend, but i believe toby
Who was your last hug? isaac achen:)
I love you? toby
Time you smiled? lil while ago, after receiving michelle's im
Time you cried? 2 days ago
Mistake? i think alot of what i do are mistakes
Laugh? i laugh at everything all the time

What do you

Want? a wedding coordinator
Need? peace and a winning lottery ticket
Crave? beef jerky and chocolate! im weird, not pregnant
Love? so many things and people
Think about ALL the time? what i'd do if i came into money and my future
Like looking at? cosmo, pictures (my own and other peoples) and toby sleeping
Wish? to be happy
Hate? those who truly know me, know whose on top of this list!

Almost Done

Who do you think is most likely to respond? no one
Least likely? everyone:)
Any last thoughts? i haven't been thinking much today
Was this fun to take? not bad;)
Do you wish the questions would end? it should, so i'd go back to work:P
Bye bye... later.

ehh, why not?

2005-10-17T17:13:00.000-04:00

7 things I plan to do before I die:
1). have friendly, beautiful, polite, intelligent babies/children
2). write a novel
3). see more of the world
4). learn how to play an instrument (preferably the piano)
5). be able to buy my mother something outrageously expensive just for the sake of buying it, not because she needs something.
6). be content with what i am doing and actually truly enjoy 9-5 (or whatever shift that dream job may be)
7). be able to speak malayalam fluently/correctly or win the lottery;)

7 things I can do:
1). cook a gourmet meal!
2). make people laugh and/or smile
3). live alone and love it!
4). make new friends in any situation
5). make a dirty house spotless in about an hour (cleaning nina= cleaning nazi!!)
6). sleep thru anything/ a whole day if no one bothered me
7). remember almost every important date, i.e birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

7 things I cannot do:
1). wake up in the am
2). give up an argument quickly
3). sing/dance in public without feeling awkward
4). do my hair with ease
5). stay focused at anything for more than 30 mins
6). keep up with my email/phone correspondence well
7). let go of rude/ignorant comments that invade my every thought for weeks after the fact.

7 things that attract me to another person:
1). smile
2). sense of humor
3). intelligent
4). thoughtfulness/big heart
5). pride in himself and his surroundings
6). strong, both physically and emotionally
7). british accents ( sorry, toby!)

7 things that I say most often:
1). i mean...
2). ohmigosh
3). yes, please!
4). have you ever??
5). whats happening (to you)?
6). whatever (no valley accent!)
7). various expletives

7 People I want to do this:
1). flog girls!
2). lisa
3). rajvi
4). betsy
5). michelle
6). ashton
7). toby

the road less travelled...

2005-10-16T17:07:00.000-04:00

has anyone never decided to do something that they are not 100 percent on for some reason, but still are compelled to keep going? this is my current situation and as it may be a lil exciting, it sure is scary.

some of you may know already to what i'm referring to, and those who don't, sorry, i'm not getting into all that hassle right now for everyone to read. but i'm faced with decisions and stances that i am unsure of how to handle. i'm trying to think of where to pull more strength from. you think you can handle only so much and then somehow, you find just a little bit more in some dark corner of yourself. i consider myself lucky that i have always been able to find some more strength rather than a panic attack or a mental breakdown of some kind.

i know i have some friends also that are going through their own personal hells, again, i'm not going to be the one to put their business out on the street, but i know they also are wondering why their are going through such hardships and what they mean and how to go forward with the things they know now.

maybe life is set up this way. God puts you through these tests and tribulations to truly make you stronger, wiser and better for the hassles you must go through to get where you ultimately want to be.

i guess i maybe writing this to reassure myself during some very trying times. but then, if anyone has advice on how to know they are making the right decisions, please pass on some knowledge, because i need it badly!!

the agony of being an indian girl...

2005-08-22T23:03:00.000-04:00

i'm sure there are plenty of people out in floblo land and beyond that can commiserate with me. being an indian, especially malayalee stinks. and if you are a girl, it only gets worse. my entire childhood, i was slightly ignorant and unaware that being a malu girl was different than being anyone else. here is my take on it, be warned, this is me venting, not to be confused with eloquent writing.

i had very little family in the states and we didn't go to an indian church. we were involved with some malu associations, but i guess i never really stopped (or was too young) to notice my parents trying to keep up with the joneses (or should i say the vargheses or first names that are last names!). my parents still distanced themselves enough from the masses that we weren't constantly compared to others. don't get me wrong, not that my parents did not try to make me and my sister work hard in school, decide for us that our childhood ambitions were to become famous doctors, join indian dance lessons, play instruments, etc., because they did! but since they did not hang around too many uncles and aunties, when i decided to quit the violin and indian dance classes, it was not a big deal. they were happy i wasn't wasting their money if my heart wasn't into these things.

then in my pre-adolescence, my mother's side of the family started to arrive here and my mom decided,despite the fact my dad wanted nothing to do with the marthoma church at the time, that the three of us were going to start to go and learn about God and how other "good Christian malu girls" acted. this is when i began to realize this being indian thing was going to suck. being the new girl in a place where everyone knew each other since they were in the womb was no fun. plus having a bunch of new cousins in town, and all of us being very close in age, the comparisons started and so did my anger. "oooh, my son is in this program, getting straight a's in high school! our daughter got into top high school in the city!" at the time, i couldn't have been more irate. like who are these people and where did they come from and why do they insist on ruining my life?!?!?! i was even more mad my parents who i felt i knew fairly well by my teen years were morphing into these malu-fied monsters who were becoming no different from everyone else i despised. i was already a troublesome teen and loved to get through the day by pissing off my parents or some extended family, which included cutting a lot of classes, which slowly turned into days and sometimes months of school, talking back, swearing, etc. i managed not to get caught for missing school or get into any major trouble, but of course, my grades suffered. every quarter when report cards came out, it seemed my parents were more upset that their other nieces and nephews were fairing better in school than the actual grades i was getting. this only pushed me further into my "i don't care" mode. i managed to finish high school with a c+ average, i was impressed considering that i did not study, did papers and projects at the last minute and barely attended classes in the first place. but the torture did not stop here.

unto college, i started at what would be the safety school of most, but turned it into my first choice considering my less than stellar performance in high school. and then i realized, wow, indian people were everywhere! at temple university, where you can get a partially free education if one of your parents were a full-time employee at either the university or hospital, many indian kids with nurses for mothers ended up here. i was in a state of shock for the first month. even in high school, there were only three other indians. more came in as underclassmen, but i was too cool for that anyways. at temple, everyone knew everyone and i knew no one. being that i distanced myself when i was dragged to church and did not make attempts to know people from the first day of classes, i was held outcast i think. i probably was thought to be a snob, the girl who didn't talk to the other indian people, but in truth, i was the shy one, feeling too left out to even attempt to enter in any of the circles i came across. eventually, i learned that the people worth talking to, would make themselves aware to me, that not all indian kids were only loyal to their specific cliques and i have been able to move past my initial thoughts and have made some good, very close friendships throughout college and into my adult years.

but now, my adult life has been the biggest source of stress to date. i thought i was done school, working, making my own money. i don't have to listen to any crap anymore and can truly run my life. i am still wrong. luckilly, the whole "why aren't you working at a huge firm? when are you going to buy a luxury car? when are you going to settle down? get your finances together?" has subsided since i have bought a house and a car (not luxury, but it runs! and was new!) no one is overly concerned with my money or my job situation these days. i guess i have proven i'm a big girl now and can handle it. now, everyone's main concern is when my wedding shall be. that the more time that goes on, the more unattractive i become. i think it is stressful enough to decide that you have found someone that you are actually willing to spend your life with, someone that you respect and listen to, know that they truly have your best interests at heart and vice versa. it is 100 million times harder when you have everyone in your extended family, plus those random indian people that only say hi to your parents, saying oooh, when is it your time?? i am thisclose to having a breakdown and breathing fire on these people. i'm aware that i'm not married or engaged! i have been working on it!! unfortunately, this hasn't seemed to be enough.

i don't want anyone to misunderstand my little rant here today. i'm proud to be indian and of my heritage. i have also come to terms with my family and have nothing but love for the whole crazy lot of them! but, i also, am smart enough to know it won't end once i am married and have my own family. i know my parents will only put all the things maybe i didn't fulfill on my progeny. my sincere hope is that i won't do these things myself, that i won't compare my children to my sister's children one day. i pray that i have learned all these lessons the hard way and won't repeat history. only time will tell, so check up on me in 10 years and make sure i heed my own advice!

the trials and tribulations of long distance relationships

2005-05-02T23:24:00.000-04:00

long distance relationships have always caused distress and concern to most people ever having been involved in one. i know that romantic relationships are very difficult to move forward and those that make it work should consider themselves very fortunate and lucky.

not many people consider the strain friendships endure while they are miles away from each other. even if you are one state away from someone, it can be quite an ordeal to connect in any form, phone, email, instant messenger, etc. imagine the hardship attached to keeping in touch with someone on the other side of the country.

this is my story of my beloved cousin, betsy. we are not closely related, her mother is my father's second cousin. the reason why we were raised for the better parts of our childhoods together is because our fathers went to high school and college together. very randomly, they became in laws. this is what initially brought us together. growing up together, being only 7 mos apart in age, we ended up forming one of tightest bonds possible. we were always together. as children, we lived on the same street until they moved further into the suburbs and my father's job put us back into the city. we were separated by less than 2 hour drive and our parents took turns making trips to our respective houses. if we weren't physically together, we were writing each other 5 page letters about only the trivial matters that would consume a 12 yr old or on the phone for 5 hrs discussing anything possible.

as we grew into older and entered high school, our relationship also grew. we started depending on each other for very important advice and helped each other deal with the struggle to assimilate both american and indian cultures. towards the end of high school, betsy became very sick, with even to this very day, i'm not very sure of what ailed her. but i knew it was very bad and caused her to miss a lot of school and a lot of her life. i never knew exactly how to deal with my best friend at these moments. most of the time i would just ask how she was feeling, she would respond ok, and i would take that as enough. i never pried as i didn't know how to console her if she did give any more information other than ok.

then came college and we still would talk very often and betsy still was sick and not getting any better. her living away at school was not working out very well and she'd hint at the health problems and again i'd ask, are you ok? and she'd always answer yes. we continued to talk, not so often as both of our college lives were very hectic. but finally during a conversation later in our freshman year, after asking her my usual, very casual "how you feeling, you doing ok?" she said no, nina i'm not. and proceeded to ream me out for never showing much concern about her illness or her health. we had a very long conversation where i let her know about my own apprehensions and by not dealing with the issue, in my head they weren't there. the fact that she never tried to explain let me live in my fantasy world. she promised to not hold things back and realized she wouldn't be a burden if she did tell me things about her health and in return, i also promised to be more involved in the aspect of her life that i tried so hard to stay away from. we seemed to have gotten even closer and more entwined in each other's routines.

she began to tell me she was looking into exchange programs to regain some freedom and independence as her health seemed to be getting better by the day. she elected to do a exchange with the university of alaska in juneau. i know you all are thinking she is crazy, who chooses to move to alaska? and i agree with you! but she did, because it has always been in her nature to take the path rarely traveled. she did not get the ok from her doctors for the trip, because being in extreme temperatures were not good for her body and she did not handle them well. she forged signatures and left.

in the beginning, we still stayed in fairly good contact. the four hour time difference did not phase us. i was always a night owl and could stay up until 3 sometimes 4 am talking to her and catching up. after sometime, the late nights started to catch up to me. we play tons of phone tag every week. we would email once in a while, with long letters catching up some and yelling at each other on who left the last message and who was owed a phone call. she has been in alaska for almost 4 years and has only been home to visit a handful of times. i have yet to make that trip. the idea of visiting a cold place even in the summertime has very little appeal to me other than my cousin.

betsy has finally come home two weeks ago after almost one year. i got to see her last week for dinner with both of our sisters. after we gave each other huge hugs, we both were eager to ask "what's new?? any new gossip?" unfortunately, our lives are fairly boring these days. only school and work, our love lives lack the drama they once had (that is a fortunate part!). i'm happy to say that, we have been able to withstand time and distance. we have made plans to hang out at least 2-3 more times over her stay back on the east coast. i'm definitely one of the lucky ones, hope if you find yourself in this situation, whether it be romantically or otherwise, i hope it finds you in happiness!

chance or destiny?

2005-04-13T17:23:00.000-04:00

so, today i have been left wondering about the people you meet. how they come into your life, some are in and out in a flash, others stick around for a while. i think often about this in regards to a lot of the more important and most meaningful relationships i have in my life today.

the first is one of my best friends, rajvi. we met freshman year of college. we met and were more than an acquaintance but not quite good friends by the end of the year. slowly, over that summer and sophomore year, our friendship solidified. we were there for each other for even the most trivial of matters, studied together, and partied together. as time passed, i transferred schools, we had internships, boyfriends, other friends and family obligations that took us away from each other. we still would call each other every nite and talk for hours about what we were missing from each other's lives. eventually, the phone calls kind of stopped. hanging out was rarely an option. at the time, i figured well, maybe it was something good at the time, but it has now passed. well into our 4th year of college, we barely knew each other or acknowledged one an another. we'd both hear about things happening to the other but we still never made the effort to call. i barely gave it a second thought at the time. then, in the middle of the summer of 2001, i was randomly checking emails and deleting much spam and saw her name. i stopped for a minute. before opening the email, i thought, wow. i wonder what she has to say, what does this mean? will we pick up where we left off? a pity, hey thought about you, thought i'd say hi and we'd write some emails back and forth before those would end also. i didn't even know if i wanted to check the email. after, debating for a few minutes, i decided to just read the email. that i was dumb for over analyzing anyways. i opened the letter, and found out her grandmother had passed away and her mom was already in england for the funeral. she explained that she knew we weren't talking like we used to, but she just felt the need to let me know and talk about it with me. without another thought i picked up my phone and called her. we talked for a while and made plans to meet the next day. while it was slightly awkward, given so much time had passed but also felt so right. we spent most of the day together, catching up on everything. eventually, we were able to pick up were we left off and are closer than ever today. even though it took a family tragedy to bring us together, it did do just that. brought us back into each other's lives. we often talk about how weird it is to think we weren't friends for a long time, to think what our lives would be now without each other. we theorize about destiny, God's plans, and fate with not just our friendships, but in every path our lives have taken. and we have agreed that it is written someplace that we were supposed to be friends until we are old, gray and wrinkled and have fun talking over coffee at ihop and discussing how we will help plan each other's wedding and related activities, raise and discipline our kids, and will continue to meet in the same booth at ihop when we need to get away from our future lives. that our break was just to help us realize how important we were/are to each other.

this then leaves me to another very important person in my life. toby, my boyfriend and bestest friend of them all. we have been best friends since the minute we met. i never thought of a romantic possibility, as he was younger than me, but he soon was the greatest friend i had. we talked all the time, spent tons of time wasting days away. i loved meeting with him in the mornings for tea and bagels at dunkin donuts. we'd wait for each other to grab lunch during classes. we were the best set of 28 partners anyone has seen! watch movies and wander malls aimlessly for no reason but to talk and spend time together. but even we lost contact for about one year. we just, out of the blue, started talking over instant messenger and again became inseparable. slowly, this worked into toby asking me what i thought about crossing that "line". i had so many reservations, being that we were such good friends and losing that year already in our friendship. after getting close again, i was hesitant to lose that again, which seemed my trend in the romantic department. i took a long time mulling over the pros and cons of getting together with my best friend. i was very hot and cold. calling all the time, then not answering a call for days. agree to meet up for a few times, then be too busy to meet for over a week plus. eventually, my mind seemed to agree with my heart and now two years later, i can honestly say i have never known a truer love and look forward to living out the rest of my days with this guy. i wonder if our fate brought us back together as friends and then more or maybe it was just "dumb luck". maybe we will never know for sure, but i think there were forces that helped give us the push to be together.

then i think of my little sister, lisa, who i had no choice in having in my life. she has become such an important person in my life as we have gotten older and more mature. but we definitely had our arguments and fights growing up. i always used to think, man, if i had to choose a sister or even friend, i never would have chosen her! as i'm sure she has done as kid also. but during a very tumultuous adolescence, we learned to depend on each other in a way i don't think many siblings had to. we had to endure our crazy high school and college days along with dealing with the normal crises that occur but also our parents separation and then reconciliation. the separation, i think, was more difficult for her and i had to be the supportive strong one, for not just her, but our mother also. it was hard to act grown when inside i had no idea what was happening. then six long years later, when the reconciliation began, it was very confusing and difficult for both of us to figure out what was happening. she was living at school and i was home. there were many late nite phone calls with me giving her the daily play by play- dad took mom to dinner- they are on a date!! they were talking- civilized!! and we would go back and forth how yes, this could be great or could be the worst, depending on the day. now, i always ask her opinion about everything i do and value her thoughts over my own sometimes. i depend on her more than most other people in my life, but going through our crazy childhoods and now entering a more grown and adult world, i think have bonded us in a way that we may never fully comprehend but understand that we are lucky for having each other, no matter the reason. i know that God definitely thought long and hard before deciding who would be my parents' children! and i know that we both fit well in our situation.

maybe i'm a hopeless optimist, but i'd like to think that we all have a set path and fate set for us. that even if we stray from our path, we will eventually find our way back and if we doubt where we are or what to do, to trust that there are reasons for why we are put on the path we are on. i try not to spend much time questioning peoples motives or why i am friends with people. i try to take my career plans one day at a time, since they are ever-changing. i try to enjoy more than worry, because i feel i'm where i am today because this is where i am supposed to be. and i truly love and thank these people i have mentioned (and a few more that i haven't fit on this crazy long post!) for everything they have given me to be a better and, at the very least, more sane person:)

you always remember your first time...

2005-04-12T15:36:00.000-04:00

i'm finally jumping on this blog bandwagon too. i'm hardly prolific by any means, but i thought this would be a fun way to explore the random thoughts that go thru my mind from time to time. i'd like to thank shaunie for making me take this move into the future and getting me to waste more time via the internet!