the agony of being an indian girl...

i'm sure there are plenty of people out in floblo land and beyond that can commiserate with me. being an indian, especially malayalee stinks. and if you are a girl, it only gets worse. my entire childhood, i was slightly ignorant and unaware that being a malu girl was different than being anyone else. here is my take on it, be warned, this is me venting, not to be confused with eloquent writing.

i had very little family in the states and we didn't go to an indian church. we were involved with some malu associations, but i guess i never really stopped (or was too young) to notice my parents trying to keep up with the joneses (or should i say the vargheses or first names that are last names!). my parents still distanced themselves enough from the masses that we weren't constantly compared to others. don't get me wrong, not that my parents did not try to make me and my sister work hard in school, decide for us that our childhood ambitions were to become famous doctors, join indian dance lessons, play instruments, etc., because they did! but since they did not hang around too many uncles and aunties, when i decided to quit the violin and indian dance classes, it was not a big deal. they were happy i wasn't wasting their money if my heart wasn't into these things.

then in my pre-adolescence, my mother's side of the family started to arrive here and my mom decided,despite the fact my dad wanted nothing to do with the marthoma church at the time, that the three of us were going to start to go and learn about God and how other "good Christian malu girls" acted. this is when i began to realize this being indian thing was going to suck. being the new girl in a place where everyone knew each other since they were in the womb was no fun. plus having a bunch of new cousins in town, and all of us being very close in age, the comparisons started and so did my anger. "oooh, my son is in this program, getting straight a's in high school! our daughter got into top high school in the city!" at the time, i couldn't have been more irate. like who are these people and where did they come from and why do they insist on ruining my life?!?!?! i was even more mad my parents who i felt i knew fairly well by my teen years were morphing into these malu-fied monsters who were becoming no different from everyone else i despised. i was already a troublesome teen and loved to get through the day by pissing off my parents or some extended family, which included cutting a lot of classes, which slowly turned into days and sometimes months of school, talking back, swearing, etc. i managed not to get caught for missing school or get into any major trouble, but of course, my grades suffered. every quarter when report cards came out, it seemed my parents were more upset that their other nieces and nephews were fairing better in school than the actual grades i was getting. this only pushed me further into my "i don't care" mode. i managed to finish high school with a c+ average, i was impressed considering that i did not study, did papers and projects at the last minute and barely attended classes in the first place. but the torture did not stop here.

unto college, i started at what would be the safety school of most, but turned it into my first choice considering my less than stellar performance in high school. and then i realized, wow, indian people were everywhere! at temple university, where you can get a partially free education if one of your parents were a full-time employee at either the university or hospital, many indian kids with nurses for mothers ended up here. i was in a state of shock for the first month. even in high school, there were only three other indians. more came in as underclassmen, but i was too cool for that anyways. at temple, everyone knew everyone and i knew no one. being that i distanced myself when i was dragged to church and did not make attempts to know people from the first day of classes, i was held outcast i think. i probably was thought to be a snob, the girl who didn't talk to the other indian people, but in truth, i was the shy one, feeling too left out to even attempt to enter in any of the circles i came across. eventually, i learned that the people worth talking to, would make themselves aware to me, that not all indian kids were only loyal to their specific cliques and i have been able to move past my initial thoughts and have made some good, very close friendships throughout college and into my adult years.

but now, my adult life has been the biggest source of stress to date. i thought i was done school, working, making my own money. i don't have to listen to any crap anymore and can truly run my life. i am still wrong. luckilly, the whole "why aren't you working at a huge firm? when are you going to buy a luxury car? when are you going to settle down? get your finances together?" has subsided since i have bought a house and a car (not luxury, but it runs! and was new!) no one is overly concerned with my money or my job situation these days. i guess i have proven i'm a big girl now and can handle it. now, everyone's main concern is when my wedding shall be. that the more time that goes on, the more unattractive i become. i think it is stressful enough to decide that you have found someone that you are actually willing to spend your life with, someone that you respect and listen to, know that they truly have your best interests at heart and vice versa. it is 100 million times harder when you have everyone in your extended family, plus those random indian people that only say hi to your parents, saying oooh, when is it your time?? i am thisclose to having a breakdown and breathing fire on these people. i'm aware that i'm not married or engaged! i have been working on it!! unfortunately, this hasn't seemed to be enough.

i don't want anyone to misunderstand my little rant here today. i'm proud to be indian and of my heritage. i have also come to terms with my family and have nothing but love for the whole crazy lot of them! but, i also, am smart enough to know it won't end once i am married and have my own family. i know my parents will only put all the things maybe i didn't fulfill on my progeny. my sincere hope is that i won't do these things myself, that i won't compare my children to my sister's children one day. i pray that i have learned all these lessons the hard way and won't repeat history. only time will tell, so check up on me in 10 years and make sure i heed my own advice!